Sunday, June 11, 2006

THE WHOLE F'N SHOW: ROB VAN DAM





Tonight history was made as Mr.Pay Per View, The Whole F'N Show, Mr. Money in the Bank the Cornerstone of EXTREME CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING ROB VAN DAM won the WWF Heavyweight Championship from John Cena at the ECW / WWF pay per view event ONE NIGHT STAND.

First off the North Philadelphia Based ECW Wrestling has risen from the ashes yet once again, this time going global. If you've never seen what ECW is, it's the most passionate, violent and bloody wrestling Promotion (that could only of been born of Philly roots) that has now gone global. It changed wrestling forever since it's inception in the early '90's.




Hulk Hogan vs Andre? Kids stuff. Try "New Jack" verses Balls Mahoney in a hardcore weapons match were someone gets staples in their forehead. Foam fingers for the kids with Macho Man Randy Savage. F-you! ECW had Fans "BRING YOUR OWN WEAPONS" matches were someone actually brought a sink in and it was used on someone's forehead that evening.

Anyway RVD won over John Cena and I'm ecstatic because 1) I've met him twice, and he's pretty cool (thanks Davey Ryan)




2) He created the coolest move I've ever seen, THE VAN DAMINATOR- where Rob throws a folding chair at his opponent's head, and as they catch it, he SPIN KICKS it into their face. He also has the VAN TERMINATOR: where the opponent is slumped on his back in the corner. VAN DAM goes to opposite corner on the same side facing his opponent. He climbs to the top turnbuckle with a TRASH CAN and JUMPS off towards the opponent and Kicks the Can into their face. Devastating,to say the least; and as ECW comentator JOEY STYLES would say....OH MY GOD !!!!!!


ROB VAN DAM you rule! RVD! RVD! RVD!

Saturday, June 03, 2006

6 Dumb Questions with Emily Dvi-Vardhana




My daughter Emily Renee Dvi-Vardhana was born into this nutty world on May 18th 2006 via C-Section at 4:20pm PST.
Unlike your children, my kid can talk, and wax intellectual about a variety of topics. I am a little disappointed that she didn't have three arms like baby Zie-Zie and furthermore, red hair like her mom, but she did score 2200 on her baby S.A.T.S and speaks jive.


Q:You wanted your momma Shelley to get sliced,diced and gutted like a Bass instead of being born through the happiest place on Earth...Why?


ED:Well, the Doctors later realized that I had a stupid cord wrapped around my neck (I was trying out bungee jumping) so the C-section was inevitable. Plus I had just had a taco which didn't agree with me; and it lead to me taking a giant crap inside my old apartment. So it was kind of like swimming at the New Jersey shore.


Q: You read a lot of novels while your were in the joint for 9 months. What was your favorite book and author?

ED: I really recommend GOODNIGHT, GORILLA by Peggy Rathman; WHERE THE SIDEWALK ENDS by Shel Silverstein; but my favorite book by far was The BEST OF PEANUTS by Charles Shultz. That Lucy's a bitch! I didn't like the DaVinci code.


Q: What's you're favorite toy?

ED: That's a no brainer- it's my mommy doll.


Q:Do you have a problem with wearing socks?

ED: No comment.


Q: What's you're favorite song / music ?

ED:I like the Baby Einstien anthology collection, the score to the film THE INCREDIBLES, but my dad puts me to sleep with ZZ TOP (no joke)


Q:If you were a Muppet which one would you be?

ED: R2-D2...oh wait that's not a muppet....uh...oh yeah, SUPERGROVER!




Photo Credits: Ansel Adams, and Pompeo Possar

Thursday, June 01, 2006

BABY BOOM !



Cute little Zie-Zie from Shanghai has 3 arms! I hope they teach him boxing, because he'd be able to block with 2 arms and punch with one!

Thanks to Hunter Woo's website for pointing this out...

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Comic Books that Kick Ass....




What a nutty week...My Daughter Emily Renee is born on Thursday 05/18 @ 4:20pm (Yo' Pot Smokers!), The Mets kick the crap outta the Yankees, and I'm addicted to THE WALKING DEAD.

Horror Comics have come a long way from the EC Comics of the 1950's and the Marvel TOMB OF DRACULA and WEREWOLF series in the 1970's. DC had THE HOUSE OF MYSTERY but I always thought that they sucked. Tomb of Dracula could always tap into Dracula vs. The SIlver Surfer if things got lame (which was seldom in that series) and it also introduced us to BLADE, although back the 70's he was a lot funkier than he is in his current streamlined model.

Jon Gebhart mentioned a Comic Book called THE WALKING DEAD which is out in a trade paper back; it's currently at the 4th volume and it's probably the scariest comic I've ever read.



The premise is simple; a Cop in the South named Rick gets shot, ends up in a coma and when he awakens the world's full of Zombies. He teams up with a band of survivors as they try to survive day to day in a world gone wild. It's part 28 Days Later, George Romero's Night/Dawn/Day/Land of the Dead series and a dash of LOST thrown in for good measure. Furthermore if you know the Zombie genre then you know that every character is expendible at any time. Good stuff. I read it to Emily @ 5:30 am last Friday during a feeding. Needless to say I got freaked out.

The second book that I'm a junkie for is Y THE LAST MAN which is published by VERTIGO comics (the grown up/pretentious version of DC Comics who also owns it) Vertigo gave us CONSTATINE.

The story revolves around a "Gendercide" - a virus of some sort that killed off every male species on Earth, except a dude named Yorick and his monkey buddy named Ampersand.



Last dude on Earth? I guess you'd think that fuckorama would be in order 24/7. Unfortunately the writers aren't from Penthouse Forum. This book plays off like The Fugitive where foreign governments are after our hero as well as Psycho Amazon bitches from hell who want to eradicate men from the planet for good. Another Post Apocalyptic tale this one kind of in the tradition of Stephen King's THE STAND. As was the case with The Walking Dead, Yorick has to team up with a small band of people for his survival. One of whom is a badass government agent named Agent 355, who beats the shit outta people with a retractable metal rod....Cooool.

I started Vol 1 in January and just finished Vol.7 on Saturday. Now I have to wait another 4 months or so for the next trade. Ugh.

At least Superman will be out to keep me occupied, and I hope it's good.









ON another note-

Congratulations to Chris and Bethany as they are to be married this weekend.

More Congratulations to Jason Warnesky on his new job at THE SIMPSONS! Way to go buddy...it's about fuckin' time bro!

Final congratulations to the LA Clippers who lost in the second round to The Phoenix Suns but had pushed to a game 7, and had their best season ever...Finally a Basketball team I can root for here....



2 months and 2 weeks until SNAKES ON A PLANE !!!


Tuesday, May 09, 2006

I LOVE THE BOSTON RED SOX




Unfortunately The Mets lost to the red hot Phillies today 5-4 (Philly's won 9 in a row and are 3 games back of NYM) however the biggest news is that The BOSTON RED SOX made the NY YANKEES their bitches by handing their Yankee Candy asses to them by ass raping them with a score of 14-2 IN Yankee Stadium. The Yankee's ace Randy Johnson got pulled in the 2nd inning after they realized they over paid for a over the hill one time baddass pitching ace. HA HA HA!



F-You Yankees!




BIG PAPI DAVID ORTIZ RULES!!

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Where in the World is....Emily Devo?






Yes, I going to be a Father to a darling little girl named Emily ______ Dvi-Vardhana, but I don't think we're going to hit the target date for our Tent Pole release for this summer. I desperately wanted to steal Tom Cruise's thunder from this weekends Mission Impossible Trois, which opened on my birthday Cinquo de mayo. (thanks Lori for the E card by the way, very funny) I did buy her some kiddie books - One of my favorites - FERDINAND the BULL, about a peaceful bull who sits on a flower with a bee on it, and then High larity ensues- and GOODNIGHT GORILLA, about a baby gorilla who escapes his cage in the zoo and lets out all the other animals...

However, just turning 35 and having a baby girl a on the way is nice way to celebrate your birthday, and I had a few friends over to have cake (baked by my wife) and watch Eddie Murphy's "Delirious"; which even with some dated humor (Gay AIDS jokes, but this was 1983 and Murphy was only 22) the comedian is still extremely funny.

The Mets also managed to beat The Braves on Friday and Saturday, (21wins, 9 losses) giving them a 5 game cushion over the 2nd place Phillies and a 10 game lead over the Braves. Hopefully we'll make it to October. Also to top things off - The Lakers choked to The Suns in game 7 of their series, ending their season. Ha ha. F-You Kobe ! (final score 121-90) Go Clippers !

When will Emily show? That's anyone's guess as I was two weeks late myself. The world's a mess as is and if she wants extra time in warm cozy environment that's fine with me. Shelley might have another opinion about that though.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

LORDI - The New GWAR !!!


Reprinted from THE NEW YORK TIMES 04/25/06

HELSINKI, Finland — They have eight-foot retractable latex Satan wings, sing hits like "Chainsaw Buffet" and blow up slabs of smoking meat on stage. So members of the band Lordi expected a reaction when they beat a crooner of love ballads to represent Finland at the Eurovision song contest in Athens, the competition that was the springboard for Abba and Celine Dion.

But the heavy-metal monster band did not imagine a national identity crisis.

First, Finnish religious leaders warned that the Freddy Krueger look-alikes could inspire Satanic worship. Then critics called for President Tarja Halonen to use her constitutional powers to veto the band and nominate a traditional Finnish folk singer instead. Rumors even circulated that Lordi members were agents sent by President Vladimir V. Putin to destabilize Finland before a Russian coup — an explanation for their refusal to take off their freakish masks in public.

The fury also spread in Greece, winner of last year's Eurovision and therefore the host of this year's contest, where an anti-Lordi movement called Hellenes urged the Finnish government "to say 'no' to this evil group." One young Finn calling himself Suomi (Finland in Finnish) wrote to a newspaper Web log saying, "If Lordi wins Eurovision, I am leaving the country."

The lead singer, Lordi — a former film student who goes by his real name, Tomi Putaansuu, when not wielding a blood-spurting electric chain saw — is philosophical about the uproar.

The affair, Mr. Putaansuu says, has exposed the insecurity of a young country whose peculiar language is spoken by only six million people worldwide and whose sense of identity has been dented by being part of the Swedish kingdom and the Russian empire until gaining independence in 1917. Most Finns, he adds, would rather be known for Santa Claus than heavily made-up monster mutants.

"In Finland, we have no Eiffel Tower, few real famous artists, it is freezing cold and we suffer from low self-esteem," said Mr. Putaansuu, who, as Lordi, has horns protruding from his forehead and sports long black fingernails.

As he stuck out his tongue menacingly, his red demon eyes glaring, Lordi was surrounded by Kita, an alien-man-beast predator who plays flame-spitting drums inside a cage; Awa, a blood-splattered ghost who howls backup vocals; Ox, a zombie bull who plays bass; and Amen, a mummy in a rubber loincloth who plays guitar.

Dragging on a cigarette, Mr. Putaansuu added, "Finns nearly choked on their cereal when they realized we were the face Finland would be showing to the world."

Often derided as a showcase of kitsch, Eurovision is one of the most watched television programs in the world. It pits pop groups from all over Europe and the Middle East against one another, with the winner decided by popular vote by more than 600 million viewers.

It is not the first time the contest, which began in 1956, has spawned discontent. Last year's Ukrainian entry song was rewritten after being deemed too political by government officials in Kiev because it celebrated the Orange Revolution. When Dana International, an Israeli transsexual, won in 1998 with her hit song "Diva," rabbis accused her of flouting the values of the Jewish state.

But not everyone in this Nordic country of five million views the monster squad as un-Finnish. Some Finns say that Lordi is right at home and that the band's use of flaming dragon-encrusted swords and exploding baby dolls expresses the warrior spirit of the Vikings.

Alex Nieminen, a Finnish ad executive, says the band harks back to the Hakkapeliittas, the legendary Finnish cavalry unit that fought as part of the Swedish army in the 17th century. He argues that the slasher film imitators embody Finnish self-assertion after decades of isolation.

"Lordi represents a rebellion by Finns who are saying, 'Hey we are not all the Nokia-wielding people the government would like you to think we are,' " Mr. Nieminen said.

On the eve of the vote, fans in ghoulish monster outfits held Lordi parties from Helsinki to Lapland and sent text messages urging everyone from grandmothers to young metal heads to "Change the face of Finland!" Lordi won the right to go to Athens with its Kiss-inspired anthem "Hard Rock Hallelujah" and its lyrics, "Wings on my back/I got horns on my head/my fangs are sharp/and my eyes are red."

The Finns' fascination for Lordi may reflect their eternal hope after coming in last at Eurovision eight times. Some Finns rank that humiliation with their nation's appeasement of the Soviet Union or losing in hockey to Sweden.

Finns blame their losing streak on the fact that contestants have typically sung in their mother tongue, a famously difficult Uralic language where words with three umlauts are not uncommon.

" 'Finland, zero points' has become a source of deep embarrassment in the nation's psyche," Ilkka Mattila, the country's leading music critic, said. "So Lordi's success must be understood as a vote by people who feel we have nothing to lose."

Finns are so uncomfortable with themselves, says Alexander Stubb, a Finnish member of the European Parliament, that when they meet someone for the first time, they stare at their own feet. Then, after 10 years of friendship, they stare at the other person's feet. But there is little risk that anyone, Finnish or otherwise, will stare at Lordi's furry platform demon boots, he adds, noting that Lordi could embarrass Finland when it takes over the European Union presidency in July.

Timo Soini, leader of "Ordinary Finns," a traditionalist political party from rural Finland, says Lordi has attracted criticism because Finns are so thin-skinned about how others perceive them. "Finns are suspicious when they see someone new come to play in their sandbox," Mr. Soini said. "And that is particularly the case when that someone looks like a monster."

While other boys in Lapland were playing hockey, Mr. Putaansuu played with his Barbie doll and began experimenting with makeup. In film school he became obsessed with horror films and the heavy metal bands Kiss and Twisted Sister. Like his fellow metal heads, Mr. Putaansuu hoped that transgression would sell big. But he says it took 10 years to get a record deal because Finnish labels were so turned off by the band's appearance.

Under their masks, the band members are quintessential Finns. Awa, the ghost, is a soft-spoken blond who wears glasses and studied classical music. Even Mr. Putaansuu, who wears a black leather jacket when not sporting serpent lapels, says his music is closer to gospel than Satan. After all, one of the band's hit songs is "The Devil Is a Loser."

"Even if we lose the contest, we have already won," Mr. Putaansuu said. "Many Finns would rather have sent someone boring and acceptable than to be represented by freaks like us."

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

ASK A NINJA !!!





Not since that moron Dave Downs told everyone that his mother was a Ninja has Ninja wisdom been this funny.


NINJA WISDOM can be found here: http://www.askaninja.com/


P.S. - Downs you're still a fucking moron.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

The Mets are in first, so the Yankees can suck me.




The Mets are in first place finally after languishing in the basement / mediocrity for the last 5 years since the last Subway Series against The fuckin' Yankees. So I'm relishing this week as the Yanks got off to a slow start getting beat by both The Oakland A's and Anaheim Angels on their West Coast Swing. Sure the beat the lowly Kansas City Royals and swept the 3 game series but The Royals are a glorified AAA team anyway.

The Mets revamped line up unfortunately is missing mighty Mike Piazza, (now with the San Diego Padres) but hey addition by subtraction seems to work. The Mets currently have the best record in the majors right now, (7-1) and this year marks the (gulp) 20th anniversary of their 1986 championship with characters like Mookie, Darryl, Nails, Mex, The Kid, Sid, and Bobby O to name a few. Hopefully they'll get to October this year.

The Babe, Lou Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle,Yogi, Maris, Derek Jeter, and all that Yankee history and mystique (26 Championships, 1918 Babe Ruth curse); that can all suck my balls.

Lets go Mets!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

KILLER KIDDIE HOSTS!

I didn't actually write this new entry on my blog; as it was forwarded to me by a friend, and I really have no reason to doubt it. Even if the presented facts aren't true, it's still a pretty cool story.


Captain Kangaroo passed away on January 23, 2004 as age 76, which is odd, because he always looked to be 76. (DOB: 06/27/27.) His death reminded me of the following story.

Some people have been a bit offended that the actor, Lee Marvin, is buried in a grave alongside 3 and 4 star generals at Arlington National Cemetery. His marker gives his name, rank (PVT) and service (USMC). Nothing else. Here's a guy who was only a famous movie star who served his time, why the heck does he rate burial with these guys? Well, following is the amazing answer:






I always liked Lee Marvin, but didn't know the extent of his Corps experiences.





In a time when many Hollywood stars served their country in the armed forces often in rear echelon posts where they were carefully protected, only to be trotted out to perform for the cameras in war bond promotions,
Lee Marvin was a genuine hero. He won the Navy Cross at Iwo Jima. There is only one higher Naval award... the Medal Of Honor.

If that is a surprising comment on the true character of the man, he credits his sergeant with an even greater show of bravery.



The following is a dialogue from "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson": His guest was Lee Marvin. Johnny said, "Lee, I'll bet a lot of people are unaware that you were a Marine in the initial landing at Iwo Jima...and that during the course of that action you earned the Navy Cross and were severely wounded."

"Yeah, yeah... I got shot square in the bottom and they gave me the Cross for securing a hot spot about halfway up Suribachi. Bad thing about getting shot up on a mountain is guys getting' shot hauling you down. But,Johnny, at Iwo I served under the bravest man I ever knew... We both got the cross the same day, but what he did for his Cross made mine look cheap in comparison. That dumb guy actually stood up on Red beach and directed his troops to move forward and get the hell off the beach. Bullets flying by, with mortar rounds landing everywhere and he stood there as the main target of gunfire so that he could get his men to safety. He did this on more than one occasion because his men's safety was more important than his own life.

That Sergeant and I have been lifelong friends. When they brought me off Suribachi we passed the Sergeant and he lit a smoke and passed it to me, lying on my belly on the litter and said, where'd they get you Lee?' Well Bob... if you make it home be fore me, tell Mom to sell the outhouse!"

Johnny, I'm not lying, Sergeant Keeshan was the bravest man I ever knew.

The Sergeant's name is Bob Keeshan. You and the world know him as Captain Kangaroo."



On another note, there was this wimpy little man (who just passed away) on PBS, gentle and quiet. Mr. Rogers is another of those you would least suspect of being anything but what he now portrays to our youth. But Mr. Rogers was a U.S. Navy Seal, combat-proven in Vietnam with over twenty-five confirmed kills to his name. He wore a long-sleeved sweater on TV, to cover the many tattoos on his forearm and biceps. He was a master in small arms and hand-to-hand combat, able to disarm or kill in a heartbeat.

After the war Mr. Rogers became an ordained Presbyterian minister and therefore a pacifist. Vowing to never harm another human and also dedicating the rest of his life to trying to help lead children on the right path in life. He hid away the tattoos and his past life and won our hearts with his quiet wit and charm.



America's real heroes don't flaunt what they did; they quietly go about their day-to-day lives, doing what they do best. They earned our respect and the freedoms that we all enjoy.

Look around and see if you can find one of those heroes in your midst.

Often, they are the ones you'd least suspect, but would most like to have on your side if anything ever happened.

Take the time to thank anyone that has fought for our freedom. With encouragement they could be the next Captain Kangaroo or Mr.Rogers.


...and knowing is half the battle...Yo' Joe !

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Ain't Nothing like BUCKETHEAD!



I just showed "The Fabulous Adventures of Mr. Buckethead" to my pals Jay Warnesky and Jon Gebhart the other night. It was the first for both time they had ever seen this Philadelphia classic. Big Daddy Davey Boy Ryan was there for the first couple of minutes but was pretty wiped out at so he went home. I'd normally call him a pussy, but at 34, married, with a baby girl on the way- 10:30pm on a Saturday's gettin' late. Unless you're a vampire like Jonny Gebhart.

Mr. Buckethead is the creation of Philadelphia's true twisted genius, filmmaker Alex Strang - who if I had met earlier during my tenure at my college, I would've followed his lead into his Sweetly Bizzare cinema. His classic, films include the Sci Fi opus- "Modern Day Nuclear War" and the Buckethead films.

Strang was interested in Japanese TV shows in the 1970's like "Spectra Man", Godzilla feature films, and he creates characters from Sid and Marty Kroft influences. To say that he was an enigma to the "Open Minded Art School-Elitist Film as Art" Professors at college is an understatement. The dude's an entertainer, and a funky one as well- I'll take Tubsy the Paper Boy, his weird foam monsters and Big Daddy X over any of the films of Jonas Mekus, Maya Deren and Stan Fuckin' Brackage's "Mothlight" any day of the week.

Strang has also now created Puppet Karaoke shows in Philly, (singing puppets anyone?) which are doing quite well, and check it out on the link below. Also he's now moved on to PODCASTS of the Puppet shows so if you have iTunes you can down load the videos FOR FREE!!!


"Don't call the police.....Get Buckethead!"

BUCKETHEAD and his Puppet pals are here: http://www.cybergecko.com/


(Photo Credits Cybergecko)

Monday, March 27, 2006

Jack Black is NACHO LIBRE





From the Writer of "School of Rock", and the Director of "Napoleon Dynamite" comes NACHO LIBRE ! Jack Black plays a Mexican Monk who dreams of becoming a Luchador Wrestler to help the children in his Orphanage...Besides S.O.A.P this'll be the other movie I can't wait for. It opens on June 16th.

Check out the website here http://www.nacholibre.com/

I realize this post is one of the shorter ones I've done but it's been a busy week.

Lori, I've been dying to write on the Premiere 100 Greatest Acting roles post you have (Swayze as Dalton in ROADHOUSE anyone?)

Just saw Donald Fagen @ the Wiltern here in LA, thanks Jay Warnesky for the Freebie tix!

Congrats to Mr. and Mrs. Joe Lampone Jr and his new baby boy, Joseph Lampone III

More to come tomorrow...

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Movie of the Year: SNAKES ON A PLANE



New Line Cinema just released a tease poster for S.O.A.P that can't miss. As I posted before (02/28/06)about this film, it just snowballs into something bigger and bigger. CNN, The H'wood Reporter, Ain't it Cool News, are all pushing this movie big time. I'm at work right now and this is of the most importance to me.

If it only opened next week......


(Photo credits: EW.com)

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Brando, Back From the DEAD




For a dead actor, Brando's making a comeback. First, THE GODFATHER the video game comes out today -using his real voice, and arguably his last performance; and then there's SUPERMAN RETURNS using old vaulted footage from the old 1978 classic will fly into cinemas in the summer. Maybe a Gangsta Rap album''s not too far behind.

In The Godfather video game you're a goon in the Corleone family who's trying to rise through the ranks, while hanging with Tom Hayden, Michael, Sonny, Connie and Fredo. Hopefully I'll get to hang out with Lou Cabratzi.

It looks like GRAND THEFT AUTO only set in the 1940's, and after seeing that the Game Guide's 1000 pages long you'll bet that I plunk down my last $50.00 for this before becoming a dad in May. Nothing like mayhem in the city for me....

Oh course the second allure of the game is to hear the late, great Brando reprise his role only even if it's for just a video game. Sean Connery did the same thing with the FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE game which I'll buy used later for a lower price.

At least Brando didn't punk out like that other fatass Orson Welles, as his last role was as a HUGE ASS metallic planet that ate other planets in, "The Transformers- The Movie".

Way to go Dr. Moreau!

Here's the link to the game http://www.ea.com/official/godfather/godfather/us/home.jsp


Thursday, March 16, 2006

F-Fest 2006 - Basic Instict deux: Risk Addiction




I cannot wait for this movie. It opens on March 31st and looks CRAPTASTIC. If the Theater owners and the Heads of Studios are worried about attendance being down this year- wait no more, this movie really is going to prove once an for all that Hollywood knows what's good for you.

Nothing like sequel to an expensive "B" movie to begin with - honestly there was nothing different of the plot of the first Basic Instinct from your average Shannon Tweed "erotic thriller" except that B.I. had "A" list talent, and an ridiculously expensive script. Oh yeah Michael Douglas' flabby ass. Yuck.

Cut to almost 15 years later, Sharon Stone (whom I always thought was way overated) returns as Catherine Trammel- the killer vamp with a penchant for leading on asshole alpha male types and then shanking their dumbasses during copulation, is now living in London, and a suspect on another sex crimes thing-a-ma-plot. Anyway who cares- if you watch the trailer she's trying to stir up those "cool film scenes" from the original by sliking in a chair by slllooowly straddling it....Bwhahahahahahaha!

Look I've got nothing against older women flaunting it- I just love to watch these bitchy diva types like Stone have to shake it to garner attention, and you know it's going to be silly - and you know most of the "unauthorized" bootleg cut of the trailer,(currently on the web) which puts most crap on Cinemax to shame, will only be on the UNRATED DVD.



Lest we forget when H'wood's trying to "turn up the heat" we get skinema classics like "The Color of Night", "Body of Evidence", "Showgirls", and two of Sharon Stone's greats "The Specialist" and "Sliver". The only thing that was hot about Basic Instinct was the score by the late Jerry Goldsmith.

Can't you feel the HEAT?

Check out the Erotic Wackiness: http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/basicinstinct2/

Monday, March 13, 2006

The Sultan of Smooth Sarcasm, Donald Fagen




I haven't bought a new album in over a year, (thank you itunes) but last week David Gilmour of Pink Floyd fame came out with a new solo album, and today, Tuesday, March 14th Donald Fagen's 3rd solo album "MORPH THE CAT" comes out. Just in time too; as I'm expecting my daughter in about a month, and this'll be the album that marks her arrival. I just hope that lil'Emily Devo develops a taste for Steely Dan because that'll be what daddy-o puts on the cd player to put her to sleep.

Anyway, Steely Dan really is the band I can't live without - their sound of jazz riffs, laser backbeat, blended with dense chords and sharp electric guitar chops - with the polished narratives of insouciant irony about cryptic topics - all sung by Fagen with a nasal New Yorker's wail, dwell to some degree on destruction and doomsday, but usually with black humor or a diffident shrug. That's me in a nutshell. I think.



Each one of Fagen's solo efforts has had a distinct impact on my life at certain moments - 1982's "THE NIGHTFLY" which I discovered in 10th grade (1986-87) helped me through a rough patch of High School adolescence, and ushered in my taste for BeBop Jazz and later on 1970'a fusion. It's an upbeat album, where Fagen sings about his youth in the suburbs of NYC during Eisenhower/Kennedy era of the New Frontier and the promise of a polished future.



1993's "KAMAKIRIAD" was the year I graduated college and into a recession -and on the album Fagen's ponderance on middle age with his second effort reflected the uncertainty of that particular moment in time as speed and fun of college suddenly leveled off and the real responsibilties of life started to settle in. His sound had changed (longtime SD producer, Gary Katz was not on the album ) as he was starting to move into own distinct style, no longer just bound into being the Steely Dan frontman.

"ALIVE in AMERICA" wasn't a Fagen effort, however it was the first Steely Dan album in 15 years and it marked my move to Los Angeles from NYC. Likewise, with 2003's "Everything Must Go" the only SD album I haven't listened to ad nauseum; but that was the year that I proposed to my lovely wife - furthermore I danced with her to "Hey Nineteen" towards the end of our wedding three times in a row. I'd see them live for the first time the same year.

Which leaves me with "MORPH THE CAT"- I'm hoping it's good; advance reviews have been positive- but I'll have to wait and see if there's any songs to croon to Emily.



(photo credits Donald Fagen.com / Steely Dan.net)

Thursday, March 09, 2006

KNEEL before ZOD !



How did this guy not beat the crap out of Superman? He had 2 other Kryptonian evil criminals and couldn't get the job done. Sounds like the perfect politican and possible Presidential nominee for 2008. War on terror? KNEEL! Abortion? KNEEL! The economy? I said, KNEEL YOU CUR...

Can't you hear his acceptance speach? Sons and Daughers of Washington...I am your leader now...I am General Zod. Your ruler. Yes, today begins a new order. Your lands, your possessions, your very lives, will gladly be given in tribute to me, General Zod! In return for your obedience you will enjoy my generous protection. In other words you will be allowed to live. Come and kneel before Zod! Bow down to ZOD!



Vote for Zod here: http://www.generalzod.net/
Photo Credits: General Zod .Net

Monday, March 06, 2006

The ULTIMATE WARRIOR IS NUTTY



I used to love this wrestler. I'm now in awe and in shock of what his is now. From the frenzied pumped up entrance - a tribal, bombastic heavy metal score, The Ultimate Warrior was like a real life superhero come to life. Unfortunately, for him the world of Pro Wrestling, and his persona eventually fused into a bizzare reality.

Jim Hellwig was a a pro wrestler in Texas under the guise of "Dingo Warrior". His moves were limited, as his physique would indicate, his repetoire was a running clothesline, a power slam (lifting your opponent over your head and slamming him to the mat) pumping his fists into the air to the Gods, and then body slamming himself on to the lying opponent for the pin. All within a match time of no longer than 10 mins.



Eventually, The Dingo Warrior was paired with a wrestler named Steve Borden, who at the time's wrestling moniker was "Flash". The promoter wanted to capitalize on the premiere wrestling tag team of the time, "The ROAD WARRIORS", who based themselves on the post apocalyptic characters of the film of the same name. They had face paint,matching spiked shoulder pads, and the attitude to boot.

As cheap imitations go - Dingo and Flash became, "The Blade Runners", and had a semi successful run; but after a while the two went their separate ways- Flash would wrestle in the south in Ted Turner's WCW as STING and Dingo became THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR in the WWF, signing with Turner's chief rival Vince McMahon.

Both wrestlers became franchise players in both companies. The difference: when the matches ended, STING would go home as Steve Borden. The Ultimate Warrior? Well, Jim Hellwig got so into his character, that in the late 1990's he actually changed his name to Warrior. Furthermore, his first name is now Warrior. So he's Mr. Warrior Warrior. His wife even changed her name to Warrior. Nice.



He even successfully sued the WWF for the intellectual property of the Ultimate Warrior name, and won. Vince McMahon actually had to give this guy his own copyright on the bottom of the WWF produced DVD. Not bad for a guy who got fired/or left 3 times from the WWF.

However, after buying and watching the DVD I totally got my money's worth, from the footage of matches past, to his beating Hulk Hogan @ Wrestlemania 6, to some great rants, and I quote, (growl and scream at the top of your lungs) "WELCOME TO TO MY WORLD!!!WHERE NIGHTMARES ARE THE BEST PART OF MY DAY!!!!!" and "WHAT DO RICK RUDE AND BOBBY HEENAN (the manager) HAVE IN COMMON WITH THE LIBERTY BELL???? ONE'S CRACKED AND THE OTHER'S A DING DONG!!!!" to the classic, "FEEL THE POWER OF THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR!!!"

Unfortunately the DVD left out the classic BODY BAG match where he and The Undertaker (pictured above)fight until they demolish their opponent to "death"- and then zip them in a real size body bag. At one point the Undertaker actually knocks out the Warrior and seals him in the body bag. I can can still see the concern on my little brother Jeff's face, and hear the hush of the Madison Square Garden crowd through my dad's old silver Panasonic TV as the Undertaker started to drag his "prize" out of the ring to parts unknown. But suddenly as if Thor himself smashed his hammer into the Warrior's chest, the body bag started to shake and convulse, and the Warrior RRRRIPS himself out of the bag; shredding it. At this moment Bobby Heenan who was calling the match with Gorilla Monsoon screams, "Oh my God, Monsoon look at that, I've never seen that before! That's the power of The Warrior!" The camera man zooms into The Undertaker's face as he reacts in shock, rolls his eyes into his head (thereby selling it) and the crowd goes nuts. The Ultimate Warrior starts to pummel The Undertaker, puts him in the body bag, slams himself on top of the bag, pins him, runs out of the ring, and into the locker room. The MSG crowd is in a frenzy; and me and my brother eat this up. Then body bag left behind then starts to rise....

I know I'm rambling here but there's a payoff- Warrior has his own website where he philosophizes about life,politics,the cosmos, and wrestling. He even has his own vocabulary where he makes up words like DESTRUCITY- (look it up). He'll even give you tips on a workout regimine as well. He's wrestling's Voltaire...

Currently Warrior's trying to come back to wrestling (which would be cool, but he's in his early 40's at least) in the WWF's rival TNA wrestling. Though it may seem I'm knocking a former favorite wrestler of mine, I didn't write all that stuff on his site; but I did buy his DVD for $15.00, part of which goes into his pocket to fuel more WARRIOR WISDOM....FEEL IT !!!!

Check out THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR HERE: http://www.ultimatewarrior.com

Sunday, March 05, 2006

KAYFABE for March 05,2006



KAYFABE - (adjective) A private languge used by wrestling originated by carneys. Like "pig Latin", it allows people who use it to speak in public about secrets and tricks of the trade without anyone who overhears them will understand what's being said.

See, isn't learning fun ? Now when you watch your next wrestling match you'll understand that the referee isn't actually shouting at Ric Flair to stop poking Hulk Hogan in the eye but actually telling him to either slow down or speed up the match.


JOKE of the DAY : What does an elephant use for a vibrator?
An epileptic




I've been prank calling my buddy MICHAEL GINGOLD one of the editors for FANGORIA magazine, using one of the quotes that the Paul Walker thriller, RUNNING SCARED used on it's one sheet back east: "Quentin Taratino calls Running Scared, movie making straight from the telvis..." whatever that means. Anyway I 'd call say the line in colorful variations, and hang up. I did this for the entire week of 02/28-03/03/2006; at least 3 times a day. One of my best pals back east, freelance writer Chris Poggialli let him in on joke, and I told Mike I'd give Fango a cheap ass plug on this blog, after violating his answering machine like Ray Liotta does to Pia Zadora in the movie with a garden hose while laughing like a maniac in "The LONELY LADY". So there it is, and here's to you Mike Gingold, and that wacky, ass big fur Russian hat you wore when we saw the "JERKY BOYS" 10 years ago...and then we shockingly got cussed out by those 12 year old fucks after the film in the middle of the street.

For more on Fangoria go to their website here:

http://www.fangoria.com




F-the OSCARS gimme the RAZZIES SUCKA!

Other than the fact I just don't really give crap about any of the movies; I'm not saying they're bad, I just didn't have any passionate interest in any of the top five films. My personal favorite movie was "WALK THE LINE"- I never was a Johnny Cash fan but that was a great movie. Upbeat too, without the forced sentimentaility. I'd see "GOOD NIGHT, GOOD LUCK" but I can wait for video.

As for the RAZZIES Jenny McCarthy's "DIRTY LOVE" which lasted as long as Joe Lampone in a gay bar in the theaters, (JL was my great roomate for 5 years here) that's the M'fer of parties I'd go to. Christ, even Hallie Drivin' Berry showed up to pick hers up, which makes me like her more. Even though she let Billy Bob bang her like flame in a windstorm.

Please check out the RAZZIES website here:

http://www.razzies.com



ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT get's possibly renewed- Showtime may pick up 24 episodes of what I consider the best sitcom on TV right now. Thank god.

This show was a slow burn for me, it took about 6 episodes to finally get it, but man when you do, it's a treat. Jason Bateman reminds me of a junior Bill Murray, and that's saying a lot.

I don't want to jinx it possibly returning by talking about it anymore.

One final word: WHOOOOOOOOOO!


Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Video Game of the Year - THE WARRIORS




"CAN YOU DIG IT SUCKAAAASSSS!!!" Take the Walter Hill classic, 1979's The Warriors and give it to ROCKSTAR GAMES and what you get is a revamp of the fighter genre, and quite possibly one of the greatest games ever made. From the opening of the WONDER WHEEL at Coney Island with the Barry DeVorzon electronic score to the meeting of the Baseball Furies to climax of the game - the showdown with the Rogues at the shore you live the movie.

As the game starts out 3 months before the meeting with Cyrus in the Bronx, you learn how some of The Warriors joined the gang in various back stories that pad the gameplay. These missions vary from taggin' rival turf to stealing and bopping your way through a blacked out city in pandemonium.

It also incorporates the film actor's actual voices from Ajax (JAMES REMAR), to Cleon the fallen leader (Dorsey Wright) to Swan (a pre Xanadu Michael Beck) this is the authenticity, that adds to greater detail while bustin' skulls.



As always, Rockstar got the music rights to just about every track on the movie from Joe Walsh's "In the City" to the cover of "Nowhere to Run" by Arnold McCuller, it's a badass potpourri of late seventies tracks that starts to bleed into the post apocalyptic electric themes of the upcoming Reagan era 1980's.

Most importantly Boppin' your way back to Coney obviously is the allure of this game. You play out each character of the Warriors, my 2 personal favorites: Warlord CLEON, as he was killed off way too early in the movie, and of course AJAX, as James Remar's intense voice track get's you pumped to kick some ass. Also, it's raw- most of George Carlin's seven deadly words are all used here; after all, these are street hoods.



No way of wasting an opponent is off limits: take opponents head and smash them into walls, cars, windows, light them on fire, kick them in the nads, and in one part of the game I got to live out my pool hall brawl fantasies of smashing skulls with a pool stick. But there's no greater pleasure than throwing someone through a plate glass window or wooden walls. You can even stick it to "the man", if you wish and try your luck beating up city cops- but they're pretty damn tough and will Rodney King your ass as they show up in numbers.

Futhermore in the game you can control up to 9 of The Warriors simultaneously, which adds to the excitement of various scenes from the film; the fight with The Baseball Furies in Central Park at 2am, and most notably the bathroom brawl at Union Station against the "Punks" (the gang of Ted McGinley Happy Days looking rejects in overalls) which like the movie is brilliantly chaotic. If you like that, there's a game mode where two gangs face off on a roof top and the object is to throw all your opponents off the roof to their deaths (with cut scenes of each of them flying off screaming HA!). If you want race wars it's all there face off Blacks, Whites, Latinos, Asians,Cops and even chicks to gang fights in various backgrounds. You can even create your own gang from 465 "Soldiers"

My only critique is that the voice of The Rogues, David Patrick Kelly isn't used, I don't know why - but nonetheless the replacement voice sounds eerily similar.

Other than that the game's perfect. Having grown up in NYC during this time they got the urban look down. I can travel to any part of the city and I can smell the sour urine eminating from the sidewalks. This time from the safety of my own home.

Later Boppers...



Photo Credits: Rockstar Games